The Power of a Godly Marriage

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"Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives" 1 Peter 3:1

Main Readings: Philippians 2:1-18 & Ephesians 5

Supporting Readings: Psalm 34 & Proverbs 31:10-31

If you were around last week, you’ll know that at the end of chapter 2 Peter supplied us with a window into the way that Jesus himself, by his death on the cross, set the pattern for our own lives.

Specifically, the pattern of bearing up under the pain of unjust suffering. That’s what he meant by verse 21, ‘leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps’.

But as we lingered there and looked and looked, we found that Peter wasn’t only showing us the pattern that Jesus set down for us, he was also showing us the power that Jesus won for us at the cross so thatwe might follow in his pattern.

He made that clear when he said in verse 24, ‘he himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live to righteousness’. That is power for a transformed life!

And, not only that, but we also saw the protection that Jesus is to us, as we are called to follow his pattern, in his power. Peter said, ‘but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls’.

So, we got three for one last week, from Jesus, as Peter presented him to us – we got pattern, power and protection.

And surely, Peter’s aim, in that presentation of Jesus to our souls, was that we might know that we are on this hard journey for Jesus through this tough tough world, together with Jesus. That we are empoweredin it by Jesus. And that we are protected through it with Jesus.

But now as we move into chapter 3, we’re moving to the finalinstalment of Peter’s exhortation to these believers – us included – that we should live ‘such good lives in this world, amongst the people of the world, that they may see our good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits’.

And what he specifically has in mind, is Christians submittingthemselves, for the Lord’s sake, in the world they move through.

Behaving in ways that are out of step with the way people in the world would behave under similar circumstances. Even when suffering is part of that submission.

Peter said that Jesus was innocent in all he did, and yet they hurled insults at him. But when they did that, he didn’t retaliate. And when he suffered, he made no threats.

The world expects retaliation and threats when people are mistreated. But Christians are called (that’s a Peter word) to be different.

So far, Peter has given us two realms in which to behave in this way.

We’ve had the realm of government, where we are called to submit to the authorities for the sake of the Lord.

Then we’ve had the realm of employment. Where Peter showed us the worst kind that we can imagine - that of the slave and the master. Which was common in his day. He showed us how bearing up under the pain of unjust suffering, even there, is commendable before God.

And now, this morning, we have the realm of family. Specifically, the roles of spouses – husbands and wives and how they should relate to each other in this world.

In all three realms, the call is a call to submission – citizens to authorities (chapter 2 v.13); slaves to masters (chapter 2 v18); and now wives to husbands (chapter 3 v.1).

And, as we go there, I want us to remember that this call is not aimless, or meaningless. It is for a concrete purpose.

Namely, that in this world our known association with Jesus, coupledwith our unusual and praiseworthy responses to suffering for him, might result in glory to God when people in this world are emboldened to believe on Jesus also.

Now, I do think, like I said with slaves and masters, Peter is using the most difficult of circumstances that he can think of in these realms to inform all of us, all the time.

He’s kind of saying, ‘if this can be true for this person in this situation within this realm, then it is surely true for you all’.

Certainly, what we’re going to learn about the conduct of believing wives with respect to their unbelieving husbands, extends to believing wives who also have believing husbands.

Peter wouldn’t say to believing wives with believing husbands ‘your conduct can be less exacting than the conduct of the believing wife with the unbelieving husband’.

Even in that easier situation, our conduct shows Christ to the world.

And I would go further and say, there are principles behind Peter’s counsel to Christian wives with unbelieving husbands that are applicable in all Christian lives – even male ones who are not spouses. Even single people. Even young people.

So, if you happen to be a single male Christian this morning, or if you happen to be a Christian husband this morning, or teenager this morning, then there are even things for you in the first 6 verses here, ifyou have ears to hear. And of course, for Christian wives especially.

And just in case there are any unbelievers amongst us this morning: you’re the very people Peter is aiming to win over to faith in Jessus Christ because that is your greatest need in the whole wide world!

Well, we can see straight away from verse 1 that all the elements are here that are also present in the other realms Peter has already addressed.

There is submission. There is the unbelieving observer. There is the goal – which is that the unbeliever might be ‘won’. And there is the role of Christian behaviour which serves that goal.

Peter says, ‘Wives, in the same way’ – he means in the same way as Christ. Whose example we saw last week. Willing, trusting, strongsubmission is the example set for Christian wives by Jesus.

‘in the same way [he says] submit yourselves to your own husbands’.

Since Peter is speaking consistently to believers here, we know that this wife, he has in mind, is a Christian.

And since he says, ‘submit’ we know that there is a role being adopted which is in service to another.

And since he says, ‘your own’ we know that there is a special domainin which this submission operates that means her submission doesn’t extend to other husbands as it is meant to extend to her own husband. This is special. This is not to be replicated.

I’m going to pause here for a moment to say something about pastors and members in churches because I think this is important.

I want to say, that in good biblical churches, pastors are going to bemen. And that’s right. It’s what the bible teaches.

But, where there are female members who are married to unbelieverswithin the church – which is the scenario here in 1 Peter - the pastor must be careful not assume the role of surrogate husband. I’ve seen it happen and it’s not right.

And the Christian wife must not assume submission to her pastor in a way that is different to the biblical way that elders and their sheep should interact. And indeed, not in a way that is reserved especiallyfor a wife with respect to her husband.

I think I’ve seen that kind of surrogacy happen before, and it’s not honouring to Christ, or to the husband of that believing wife. That’s the end of my parenthesis, but I think it’s worth mentioning.

I think we can also say, with confidence, that the husband Peter has in mind here is an unbeliever because they do not believe the word (v.1).

And back in chapter 2 it was those who ‘disobeyed the message’ that Peter called ‘unbelievers’.

It’s easy, when we want friends and family to be Christians so badlythat we forget that it is faith in Jesus, and the good news of the forgiveness of sins through his death alone that can make a Christian.

Not only that, but Peter wants these men to be won over here. And I think that means to the same faith that this wife has.

A wife’s submission to their husband is something universal is Peter’s mind, not just where the Christian wife is married to an unbeliever.

We can tell that because that part of his exhortation comes before the part where he says, ‘so that if any of them [those wives] have unbelieving husbands they may be won’.

A wife’s submission to her husband is not only for the winning of an unbelieving husband – we know that from elsewhere in the New Testament – but for Peter’s purposes here, it may have this absolutely amazing gospel effect on an unbelieving husband.

How might that work out? Well Peter says that when Christian behaviour like purity and like reverence is seen (v.2) the unbelieving husband might be amazed at what the gospel of Jesus Christ has produced in their wife and be emboldened to believe also.

So, what purity and what reverence is Peter speaking of? Let me suggest that the clues are in the passage itself.

Purity first. And I think it’s found in verse 3.

To summarise: purity is the beauty of the inner self – not the outerself – and specifically it’s a ‘gentle and quiet spirit’ verse 4 says.

It's not the kind of spirit that is trying to dominate. It’s not the kind of spirit that is trying to get the upper hand, or put the husband down.

It’s the kind of servant spirit that looks to support and build up.

It’s not a spirit that shouts out, but one that is humble and kind. Notself-seeking, but respectful.

It goes without saying that we live in a culture that prizes self-assertion and personal independence above this kind of gentle and quiet spirit.

How different might it look in our culture if a believing wife behaved with a gentle and quiet spirit like Peter is exhorting here?

I put it to you that it would commend Christ. Because this is the spirit of Christ. And it would look stark against the backdrop of this age that we live in.

Peter contrasts this inner beauty with a focus on outer beauty can you see that?

I think it’s true to say that since God made woman for man in the beginning, he made her attractive to him.

And a woman will usually look to make herself attractive to him.

That’s not a bad thing.

I don’t think Peter’s coming down here on jewellery, or clothing, or hairstyles per se. So don’t feel guilty if you’ve got your hair up, or down. If you’ve got jewellery on, or not. If your clothes are from Harrods, or H&M. That’s not it.

What Peter is getting at, is that a Christian wife could be so accustomed with the adornment of the culture, that they think that by dressing a certain way they could convince their unbelieving husband to take Christ seriously.

Peter says, ‘no that won’t work’.

All those outward things are fading, but the beauty of a gentle spirit, and a quiet spirit, is unfading.

That inner beauty will speak in ways that are surpassinglycompelling is Peter’s argument.

Imagine, Christian wife, what your unfading gentleness and quiet spirit might say to your unbelieving husband. What it might speak of Christto him.

Peter says that God regards that kind of life as of ‘great worth’. Whata word of approval that is!

To have THE God of the universe look on at your Christian conduct and deem it valuable! What an encouragement that is to live like this.

Peter also wants us to know that this way of behaving is not a newinnovation but has actually been the pattern of holy women down through the ages. ‘They adorned themselves in this same way’ (v.5).

The named example Peter chooses to illustrate the fact is that of a believing wife who happened to have a believing husband (not an unbelieving one).

Her name was Sarah. And she was the wife of the high profile old testament character, Abraham.

Peter says that she ‘obeyed Abraham and called him her lord’.

That doesn’t mean that she regarded him as her God – Peter wouldn’t endorse that.

It means that she submitted to him.

Once, when Abraham was old and his wife Sarah was old too, and past childbearing age. God came to Abraham and said that they would have child.

And when Sarah heard the Lord make this promise, that she would have a child in her old age, she thought that was pretty laughable.

In fact, she actually laughed. And she said, ‘after I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure’.

So even when the age of her husband was laughable, Sarah wouldn’t disrespect Abraham, but called him ‘her lord’.

It is the faith of Abraham which is set up in the bible as THE prototype faith.

If we have faith like that of Abraham, then we are heirs with Abraham of the promises God made to him. That is to say, we are heirs of eternal life!

Faith in Jesus brings us into God’s inheritance. Isn’t that such good news?!

And here Peter chimes in with that idea, and says that Christian wives who respect their husbands, like Sarah did, are her daughters.

There is a way that Christian wives behaving like the world behaves towards their husbands is a giving way to fear and not an abiding in faith.

Sarah’s example is an example of faith in these self-same circumstances. And one to emulate.

Peter says, you are Sarah’s daughters, if you do what is right – namely, respect your husbands – and do not give way to fear.

Where does the faith to do that, come from?

Well, it’s found in an unshakable hope, which is rooted in an unshakable work of Jesus.

In verse 5, Peter says, ‘this is how the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves’.

They put their hope in God. They trusted God that the quiet and the gentle spirit, which is what God advocated for, was the very best way!

Because, let me tell you this, there is no distinction in worth to God between a husband and a wife. There is no distinction in esteem fromGod between and a husband and a wife.

In fact, Christian wife, you are deeply precious to God in Christ Jesus.

Christ gave his life to make you his own, and that means your security is not in your husband’s response, but it is in God’s love for you in Jesus.

It’s from this place of security that you are able to live this way – even when it’s hard.

And so, knowing that God values the woman no different to the man, it takes faith to trust that and not give in to fear.

God’s will, Christian wife, is that you submit yourself to your husband. This is holy. And it’s what the holy women of old did.

Now, back up with me to verse 2 again. What the unbelieving husband should see is, both purity – that inner, unfading, beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit – and also reverence.

So far, I’ve been using the word ‘respect’ for a wife’s posture towards her husband – and we’ll see in a minute that respect cuts both ways.

But the word ‘reverence’ here has to do with fear.

Peter says in verse 6 though, ‘don’t give way to fear’.

And so, I believe the reverence he refers to in verse 2, is not a reverence for the husband.

Rather it’s a reverent fear, the likes of which is only due to oneperson; and that person is God.

Christian wife, you are not called to fear your husband but to fear God.

It is that fear of God that frees you to live this way with your husband without fear.

So, I’m going to put it all together like this – and let me say that the principles at play here are so universally gospel, that it’s almostimpossible not to see how they apply to all of our lives, all of the time.

And that’s not to flatten out the details that are especially directed here to Christian wives.

But it is to say, that those details play out under more universal principles and therefore, any of us could take these principles adopting different details from the ones Peter has given us here and find applications for our lives.

So, here's the flow, then, of Peter’s word to us in verses 1-6.

Hope is the starting place. Hope steadfastly in Jesus, who is your very life.

In this world you are foreigners and exiles – you belong to Jesus andyou belong to Jesus’ country, not this world. Hope steadfastly in him.

Fear God above all. Fear God above your husband Christian wife. You cannot serve your husband in the uniquely Christian way God wants you to unless you revere God properly.

When you fear God properly, you will want to do what pleases him. And it is of great worth in his sight when you conduct yourself with grace; with gentleness; and with a quiet spirit.

Christian wife, this is the posture of submission to your husband God is aiming at here in these verses.

That kind of spirit that leads to good conduct.

And its specifically good Christian behaviour like this, which springs from a heart like this, that is so powerful to win the unbelieving husband to Christ.

Peter says in verse 2, ‘without words’ and ‘by behaviour’. That doesn’t mean, as you have opportunity to tell your unbelieving husband the gospel you don’t take it.

It means, your day-to-day life, where you don’t have that opportunity, should be a living testimony to ‘Christ in you’ who is your hope of glory. That’s winsome. That is so winsome.

Who knows how long it might take. It might take a lifetime! That’s not in your hands, but it is in God’s hands, and nothing is too difficult for him!

Never stop praying for your unbelieving husband. But never stop living Christ either!

All that, then, leaves me squeezed for time on husbands. But they are no less important, and so I must take the time to follow Peter’s exhortation through.

Notice that Peter exhorts husbands to the same kind of Christian pattern. He says, ‘Husbands, in the same way’.

Except here, the wife is a Christian wife. Notice, she’s an heir with him of the ‘gracious gift of life’.

And maybe this is one of those good reasons to see that Peter, for the first six verses, was showing us the example from the most difficultplace – namely, the weaker partner as the Christian partner. And the stronger partner as an unbeliever.

If those Christian women are called to do this, how much more the rest of us, who most assuredly have it easier!

So now, as Peter moves to husbands, who are the stronger partner, there should be no doubt in our minds that they can, by the power invested in them, do what God is calling them to do.

Since their weaker sisters in Christ were just called to do their part in the more difficult set of circumstances.

I’m using the phrases ‘weaker’ and ‘stronger’ partner here because Peter does. He calls husbands to respect the ‘weaker partner’ (v.7).

And I hope you can see, that what we said earlier about the value of the wife being equal to that of the husband is borne out for us here.

‘Husbands are to respect the weaker partner’. That means that in the way God has made us – male and female – there is a discontinuity.

Men are generally physically stronger than women.

But, Peter goes on, respect them ‘as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life’. That’s continuity. Do you see that! That’s so important to get!

Christian husbands who have Christian wives: as the stronger partner, know this - you live with a woman who is an heir of God! That should make us marvel!

There is a daughter of God in my house. There is a daughter of God in my arms. There is a daughter of God at my meal table.

Rejoice over that, husbands. And let it shape the way you treat this woman who is your wife.

Treat her with ‘respect’ Peter says.

Husbands, your pattern here is Christ also, who loved the church and gave himself for her.

As the stronger partner, respect looks like gentle hearted leadership. It means taking the initiative, but not Lording it over her. It means providing for her. It means defending her.

Even putting your life on the line for her if necessary.

It doesn’t mean looking after your own interests first.

When Peter says, ‘be considerate as you live with your wives’, he means understand her and act accordingly.

So many marriages are failing because one spouse does their own thing and the other their own thing.

And husbands don’t know their wives. They don’t know when to speak and when to remain silent, because they don’t know how their wives tick.

Husbands, we’ve got to know our wives if we’re going to love them like Christ loved the church.

Consider them that you may be considerate of them.

You’ll need to spend time with them to do that.

Take a look at the seriousness of this exhortation at the end of verse 7, as we close out our time together, to get a handle on how important this is to God.

How we treat our wives can actually hinder our access to God in prayer. Can you see that?

Do this ‘so that nothing will hinder your prayers’. That’s remarkable. And sobering.

Later in chapter 3, Peter quotes Psalm 34 saying, ‘the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil’ (v.12).

Since our holy wives are God’s daughters and he cares about them, and he counts their inner beauty to be of great worth, if we husbands mistreat his holy daughters, that’s going to affect our relationship with our God.

In chapter 4, verse 7, he encourages us to be ‘alert and of sober mind so that you may pray’.

In chapter 3, then, there’s something about God’s ear being attentive to our prayer – or not, if we do evil, like mistreating our wives.

In chapter four there’s something about our ability to pray if we are not alert and sober minded. Which we would not be if we were mistreating our wives.

Either way, our prayers are hindered. Either in offering up, or in receivership.

Peter doesn’t want our prayers to be hindered. We shouldn’t want our prayers to be hindered!

If prayer is hindered, our relationship with God is not on a good footing. We need prayer!

And so, husbands, make sure you’re respecting your wives and being considerate of them.

Tell her you love her. Tell her she’s beautiful.

Praise her because you’ve looked so closely at her inner beauty that you’ve seen praiseworthy things that are worth expressing to her.

Honour God in the way you live your life with her. And enjoy free flowing prayers!

So, summing up. Let’s be a people whose hope is fixed on Christ, whose fear is God alone, whose lives — especially in the home — make the gospel visible to a watching world.

And as we live this way, God in his immense kindness and patience will use even our quiet, costly obedience to draw others to himself.

So that on the day Christ returns, there will be many who glorify him, because, wonder of all wonders, they actually saw him first in us.

What a joy that will be to us on that day!